Monday, June 20, 2005

Team Needs to Concentrate More, Ownership Says

An unidentified player on Freida's Boss stands ready to bat, while another unidentified player stands obliviously in the way of the pitched ball. Ownership asserts that this is a perfect example of the lack of concentration that has led to numerous fielding boners.

(AP) Wrigleyville, IL-A baseball bouncing off Grampa Gizzburg's jaw in practice. Mike Matos sleeping in the on-deck circle. A lit cigarette carelessly discarded by Justin Miller that caused a small fire in the clubhouse. A bat getting stuck in Mike Rothburg's buttocks. These are just some of the countless examples of blunders and mistakes that have haunted Freida's Boss in the early days of the softball season.

"If we're going to play better, we need to focus more." said player-manager Byron Emerson. "We have alot of egos and alot of distractions, and we need to get rid of them and play as a team." continued Emerson.

The team has considered going to group therapy. "Justin Miller recommended us a good doctor- apparently he helped Miller with his alcohol addition. I don't know what he can do for us though. And come to think of it, Miller is still an alcoholic. So I don't know if this is a very good doctor." said Emerson.

Amateur psychologist Tony "CoCo" Khoury hd this to say, "Well, a team is like a group of people. But in order to cure this group of people, you must cure them as a team. So of course then the key is to think of this group of people as a team comprised of a group of people. After you make that assessment, the actual process of treatment is quite simple really."

At least one person is opposed to therapy. "I ain't seein no more fawkin' shrinks. No way. They're not lockin me up again!" stated Mike Matos.


Blogger SpeedDaemon said...

I have only recently come aware of this poisonous fringe group website spewing its hatred and vitriol for all things right and proper. I first thought that I would not respond to the sordid lies posted regarding my character, but the spirit of '1776 has risen within me and the ghosts of James Madison and Alexander Hammilton have given me counsel to rise against the fringe fury.

First, regarding my contract status, my current compensation is far below market, however I have not threatened, nor have I taken any steps toward a hold-out. I attended all mandatory spring mini-camps and have put forth 100% at all games. I will note that I was the first softball player to have a batting average that exceeded 1.000 and averaged 2.7 home runs per at bat and 4.3 doubles per at bat over the last 3 years. In 72 carreer plate appearances I have 305 hits, 1,035 RBI and 702 stolen bases. Despite these numbers, I continue to honor the terms of my current contract, though I am actively exploring restructuring options with management.

Second, several have questioned my speed. In my home country I was nicknamed 3 legs. Besides the obvious, the name also came from my home to first speed of 0.7 seconds and my home to home speed of 0.4 seconds.

Third, I have no comment regarding neo-classical uniforms for Freidas Boss besides to say that with Rothberg's vote I now have the majority needed and have ordered our first set.

10:00 AM


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