Thursday, July 28, 2005

Disappointing Season Coming to a Close (AP) [New story reported 13 minutes ago]

Just as the "Mercy Rule" thankfully brought many painful games to a close this season, the league schedule is mercifully bringing an end to a thoroughly disappointing season for Frieda's Boss.

"I'd like to say I took something out of this I learned something...but I didn't learn anything...not a god damn thing." admitted player-manager Bryant Emerson as he took a drag from a cigarette while watching his player warm-up before a recent contest.

"What really got me was all the negative feedback we got from our fan-base. I was booed, my apartment building was toilet-papered, my car was egged, and someone spat on my and called me a 'baby-killer.' I guess that's the bitter symphony of life." noted RW McGelboim.

Things really spun out of control for Frieda's Boss about a month ago, when team mascot and perennial loser/deadbeat Justin Miller unexpectedly got both a girlfriend and a job. He became a new man and hasn't been heard from since.

"Fucking Miller man... he's gone and now we don't have a mascot. And it's not just that I lost a mascot...What really makes me sad is I lost the piece of shit in my life whom I used to berate and ridicule. And ripping apart Miller made all of us feel better about ourselves. But now he's off to bigger and better things and there is a void in my life." admitted Emerson, as he extinguished his cigarette on his forehead.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Freida's Boss Remains Winless

Chicago (AP) - Freida's Boss fell to 0-4 with Wednesday night's 15-8 defeat at the hands of Team X5.

Freida got off to a fast start, scoring 4 runs in the first inning thanks to some newly found team plate discipline. Freida batters walked 3 times in the first inning, with 2 of the runners coming around to score, tripling their team walk total from last week's entire game.

Controversy struck twice surrounding centerfielder Ray Eriks. In the top of the first inning, while Freida was up at the plate, Eriks made his usual late entrance. X5 firstbaseman, Johnny Fratboy, was unhappy with Eriks's late appearance and demanded Freida play a man short in the field. The umpire disagreed and allowed Freida to field a full team.

In the third inning, Eriks was up at the plate with 1 out and men on first and third. Eriks hit a short popup a few feet from home plate, and X5 catcher, Pudge, attempted to run it down. Pudge and Eriks collided and Pudge was unable to make the play. Fratboy argued with the umpire that Eriks should be called out because of batter's interference, but the umpire called the play a foul ball and the at-bat continued. However, Eriks proceeded to ground into a double play, ending Freida's threat.

The turning point came in the bottom of the fourth. After three walks allowed by Freida ace Mike Rothburg, a crucial error by secondbaseman CW, and miscommunication in left field between RW McGelboim and Ryan Peters, Team X5 hit two opposite field HRs and scored the maximum allowable 7 runs, and X5 took a 13-8 lead.

In the top of the fifth inning, Freida batters Evan Michaelson, Steve, and David Cash went out 1-2-3, and X5 never looked back.

Freida thirdbaseman/manager/owner Byron Emerson was hopeful that his team will break out of it's slump.

"We're showing signs of improvement. This is the first game in 3 weeks that we haven't been defeated by the slaughter rule so I like where we're heading. I'm confident that once our utilityman and mascot Gizzburg shows up, we'll start putting some Ws in the win column."

Team Notes:

Freida had 9 team hits on Wednesday, 3 more than last week's 15-2 drubbing at the hands of Team Indy...The only extra base hit was a first inning double by Emerson...Freida's 1-4 hitters scored 7 of the team's 8 runs; their 5-10 hitters scored only one...McGelboim and CW continued their hot hitting, going a combined 5 for 7 with a walk and 5 runs scored...Slugging leftfielder Peters is slumping. He hit 3 balls hard but had no hits for the second straight game.

Box Score AB R H RBI BB
McGelboim - 3 2 2 0 1
CW - 4 3 3 0 0
Emerson - 2 1 1 2 1
Matos - 2 1 1 1 0
Peters - 2 0 0 1 0
Michaelson - 2 0 0 0 1
Steve - 3 0 1 0 0
Cash - 2 0 0 0 1
Rothburg - 3 0 1 0 0
Eriks - 2 1 0 0 1

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

RW McGelboim Tosses Gem During Team Batting Practice

(AP) Lincoln Park, IL- Batting practice is supposed to be a leisurely affair during which time team members better themselves by developing their hitting skills. Other team members usually hone their fielding skills fielding the hit balls. But outfielder RW McGelboim (known as "The Jewish Andruw Jones") turned yesterday's batting practice into something truly special.

McGelboim did not allow a hit, retiring 24 batters in a row until practice was called due to darkness.
Said McGelboim, "The pitches were really just going where I wanted them to go. My command felt great tonight."
Most of the hitters failed to connect, and the only close call came on a long fly ball hit by infield phenom Mike Matos that veered foul in the last instant, striking alcoholic team mascot Justin Miller in the genitals.

"That was a real close call. Fortunately it went foul and maimed Mills...err I mean Miller." said McGelboim.

Said Matos, "I jumped ahead of that cutter a little too much and fawkin' pulled it." Matos had attempted to direct the ball fair by jumping and flailing his arms but it was to no avail.

Team Notes- Granpa Gizburg plans to move in with player-manager Byron Emerson and outfielder Ray Ericks. "It wil be good for team unity. It worked for Mantle and Maris- I can't see why it won't work for us." noted Emerson...Mike Matos wore a white wig during practice, emulating his hero James Madison...The team made an official inquiry into the status of Sacramento Trojan outfielder and molestation victim Tony "The Diesel" Khoury, and Khoury has agreed to waive his "no trade" clause if dealt to Freida's Boss...Pitcher Mike Rothburg was fined $50 by league officials for wearing a necklace made of human tongues during last week's game...Emerson traded trinkets and blankets to a Pennsylvania Menonite in exchange for his mechanized skooter. "It's no rascal, but it will do." stated Emerson.

McGelboim's presence on the mound evoked images of a young Kent Bottenfield

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez are in for the ride of their life tonight as Victor Santos steps to the mound to punish the Cubby Bears.

"The Brewers will counter Williams on Tuesday with Victor Santos, who is 3-2 with a 2.55 ERA in 10 career appearances, including six starts, against the Cubs. "

Don't be fooled by his 2-6 record. This man is out for blood.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Team Needs to Concentrate More, Ownership Says

An unidentified player on Freida's Boss stands ready to bat, while another unidentified player stands obliviously in the way of the pitched ball. Ownership asserts that this is a perfect example of the lack of concentration that has led to numerous fielding boners.

(AP) Wrigleyville, IL-A baseball bouncing off Grampa Gizzburg's jaw in practice. Mike Matos sleeping in the on-deck circle. A lit cigarette carelessly discarded by Justin Miller that caused a small fire in the clubhouse. A bat getting stuck in Mike Rothburg's buttocks. These are just some of the countless examples of blunders and mistakes that have haunted Freida's Boss in the early days of the softball season.

"If we're going to play better, we need to focus more." said player-manager Byron Emerson. "We have alot of egos and alot of distractions, and we need to get rid of them and play as a team." continued Emerson.

The team has considered going to group therapy. "Justin Miller recommended us a good doctor- apparently he helped Miller with his alcohol addition. I don't know what he can do for us though. And come to think of it, Miller is still an alcoholic. So I don't know if this is a very good doctor." said Emerson.

Amateur psychologist Tony "CoCo" Khoury hd this to say, "Well, a team is like a group of people. But in order to cure this group of people, you must cure them as a team. So of course then the key is to think of this group of people as a team comprised of a group of people. After you make that assessment, the actual process of treatment is quite simple really."

At least one person is opposed to therapy. "I ain't seein no more fawkin' shrinks. No way. They're not lockin me up again!" stated Mike Matos.

Breaking News . . . Refusal to Issue New Colonial Uniforms "a brazen violation . . . of rights" says Mike Matos.

Mount Vernon, VA (Reuters) - Fresh from a recently resolved contract dispute, Frieda's Boss shortstop and constitutional scholar finds himself stuck in the middle of another controversy with player/manager Byron Emerson and this time its about fashion and not money. In a closed door players only meeting at a local Lincoln Park Greek restaurant, Matos first convinced his teammates that colonial wigs should be worn during all home games instead of traditional baseball caps and then got player approval to submit to Boss management his own colonial uniform designs. Asked about the private meeting, line-chef and long time baseball fan Petros Apostolos commented: "I'm not sure how those guys get down, but there were white wigs and Greek fries everywhere, no doubt."

While throwback uniforms have become a powerful marketing tool for major league baseball, Matos' proposed colonial uniforms certainly put a new spin on that concept and are "quite revolutionary" according to alcoholic fashion insider Justin Miller. Changing his vomit-stained t-shirt, Miller noted "if they wear those little pilgrim outfits, those players are gonna look queerer then a two dollar bill, but besides that I think we may be looking at a big revenue boost for Boss merchandisers. I've been trying to get jockeys to wear sailor suits since the roaring twenties but nobody ever listened to me."

Emerson apparently does not share Miller's optimistic outlook regarding the proposed alterations to the home stripes. Though he has not released an official statement, early indications are that he was not pleased by the idea of his players running around in nickers and pantyhose. A press conference has been tentatively scheduled for later in the week. As for Matos, he was unavailable for comment but his Moldavan trainer Radon, sugested that Matos is violently mad about Emerson's less then warm reception to the designs. "Matos has put a lot of work into making sure those colonial uniforms fit nice and tight just like they did back at the constituional convention" said Radon, known as the Maldovan Bull. "He has used a number of different wig designs to make sure that clumps of hair will not fly in the face of players as they shag fly balls and to deny him this request for improved uniforms would be a 'brazen violation' of his rights."

This is certainly the beginning of a bizarre story and we will provide updates as more details become available.

Freida SS Matos models the proposed road uniform

Matos' alternate home uniform

TOKYO (AP) - Japanese track legend Kozo Haraguchi has challenged Freida SS Mike Matos and pitching ace Mike Rothberg to a sprint around the bases before Wednesday night's game. Opening odds have Rothberg and Haraguchi as the 3 to 2 favorites, with Matos as the 4 to 1 underdog.

Haraguchi recently set the world record in the 100 meter dash for men 95 and older.

(AP) Chicago - Gizzburg Purchases Softball Glove

Freida's Boss utilityman Grandpa Gizzburg finally purchased a softball glove yesterday. Team manager/thirdbaseman Byron Emerson approved the decision.

"Gizzy was the only male baseball fan over the age of 7 that didn't own a glove so this purchase was long overdue," Emerson said. "He was a little rusty in the field which isn't surprising since he hasn't played in 5 years and the glove was brand new. Once the glove is broken in, Gizzy will be a valuable asset to our squad."

The Other Victor Santos

I haven't heard his stuff yet, but if his namesake is any indiactor, I would buy his CD now. Click on this link for purchasing information:

There is no party without music, and the music is here

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Weekly Team Notes

Freida's Boss had an off day today and conducted afternoon batting and fielding practice...Backwoods Kentucky hick Scott Gizzburg took a ball off his jaw but continued practicing; he is considered day-to-day...player-manager Byron Emerson missed the practice to celebrate Father's Day in Cambodia with his 11 Cambodian love children....The Freida's Boss management denied rumors they have been talking to the Sacramento Trojans about possibly acquiring rightfielder/free-style grappler Tony Khoury. "Tony's a nice player with a real tight hairy ass, but we like who we have." noted the press release...Mike Matos has apparently backed down on his threats to hold-out; "That's all you guys, the media, making a big deal out of this to sell your fawkin' papers. And your newspapers are just rags. The Federalsit Papers, now those were real papers. Johnny fawkin' Jay baby. Johnny fawkin' Jay." stated Matos.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

(AP) Evansville, IL- Contract Squabbling Mars Early Season On-Field Exploits

Matos seen here before a preseason game in St. Louis

Freida's Boss player-manager Byron Emerson is hopping mad. And he ought to be. Shortstop Mike Matos, on loan from Kirkwood & Ells, is demanding a salary increase or he threatens to sit out the rest of the season.

Said Emerson, "Matos signed a contract and I expect him to honor it. He wants more money, but we're not running a charity here."

Pitching ace Mike Rothberg added, "We'll play with who we have. We can win without Matos if we have to. And we can win without Gizzburg too. All we really need is me."

Matos responded, "Hey I know I signed the fawkin' contract, but I got fawkin' bills to pay. If you want me to play, you have to pay me more fawkin' money."

The fan-base has split loyalties.
Notes long-time fan and molestation victim, Tony "CoCo" Khoury, "Well, it is important that this shortstop maintains his part of the bargained for exchange. Sanctity of contract is all that separates us from the animals. Without it we are left with chaos."

Fair-weather Freida fan and recovering alcoholic Justin "Grampa" Miller takes the opposite position. "Hell in a hat-bucket, we're in America here, not Russia. Everyone should be paid what they're worth. I say Emerson should stop lining his pockets and give Matos more money."

Regardless of who is right or wrong, one thing is for sure: This bickering is no good for team unity, and Freida's Boss must resolve the situation as soon as possible.

Santos "Strikes" Again

More Later. . .